Sunday, April 28, 2013

Frenchy's Follies... Crazy kids! Out of the mouths of babes...

As a mom, I can tell you that I have been absolutely stunned silent by some of the crazy and outlandish questions my two boys have asked me. I mean, where do they come up with this stuff? No worries! From now on you will never be put on the spot by those little rascals again!

"Mommy, why don't you stand up to pee like I do?"

This one *may* call for a live, peeing-standing-up demo, momma. Trust me, no matter what their age, they will instantly understand why we sit down to pee.

"Who is God? Why can't we see him? Where does God live? What is heaven?"

Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Go directly to the nearest church, drop off the brats and pick them back up in a few days. Viola! Problem solved!

"Why does my pee pee get big sometimes?"

Ummmmm, parents beware! There is no good answer to this question. Just make up some crazy ass reason so they won't want to touch it again until puberty.

"Do you have to pay to go to work?"

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?! Next question....

"Why is there hair growing on your privates?"

Duh! So it makes them harder to find. Kinda like an adult version of hide and seek, kiddo.

(Usually yelled loudly in public) "Why is that person so oldfatshortugly?"

DO NOT ANSWER THIS QUESTION! Just slowly walk away and whisper to the person "Whose kid is that anyway? He's a rude little bastard isn't he?"

"Why are you my mom?"

Because I pushed your 10 pound chunky little crying ass out of my teeny tiny vagina, that's why!

"Why don't girls have a pee pee?"

Your instinct tells you to make up some kind of scary shit... go with it! Tell them you had one and you cut it off and fed it to the dog. The look on their little face... PRICELESS!

"Why do we always pee when we poop, but we don't poop every time we pee?"

Go ahead and pre-print  the diagram of the sphincter muscle that I have provided. This question comes from left field and will totally catch you off guard. Afterwards, be prepared for a nasty-gram from the teacher who is wondering why the hell you taught your child the word "sphincter". It's such a fun little word for a first grader to say, isn't it?

When in church, during the offering, as you are putting your money into the basket.... "Why do we have to pay to see God?"

Good fucking question kid! <---- Am I right?!?! These kids are smarter than we think, I tell ya!

Whether you think I'm an idiot or a total genius for providing you with these very useful answers to you child's burning questions, I'm a total fucking genius. Hopefully you have realized that I'm joking and that I would never say these things to a kid. Under the age of 2, at least. I was going to write about something serious, but there are too many bad things going on in this world and it's depressing all of us. It was time for a break from all of that.

You're welcome.

A kindergarten student told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her student. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?!?!" the teacher yelled in shock. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move." (courtesy of

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